How to Make Your Book a Bestseller
What a fortunate time to be an author. With the range of social and antisocial media at your disposal, you, the author, have unlimited opportunities to reach every single member of your potential audience. And we have your back, we do. That’s why we’ve assembled these tips for getting the world’s attention. It’s time for you to think outside the book.
- Write a life-changing essay about a trek of your own, and submit it to LifeChangingHikes.net, YosemiteAfternoons.com, StoriesBehindPeopleNamedSamantha.net, or the Huffington Post.
- Craft a dozen painstakingly researched pieces on Samantha’s gear. Offer these to blogs devoted to day packs, crampons, tampons, etc.
- Post a novel excerpt in TripAdvisor’s Yosemite comments section.
- Write a quiz on Literary Hikes for your Goodreads author page—give away your novel as a prize!
- Organize a flash mob performance atop Half Dome. Don’t hesitate to go full frontal Hollywood—maybe the crowd wears bear suits and ranger hats, though wet T-shirts work, too. All the better if you can do it on a double-rainbow day. Hiring several videographers will ensure that you have abundant footage for fashioning a two-minute You-Tube clip.
- You, the author, have written the perfect book for any club, whether centered around dogs, Nobel Laureates, or 19th-century classics. After all, Samantha names her kitten Aung San Suu Kitty—there’s the Nobel tie-in. With the same page count as Middlemarch and a review citing your “dickens of a plot”—hello, 19th century! And for the dog lovers, there’s your vet’s blog post, featuring that author photo of you surrounded by rescue greyhounds.
- Volunteer to make personal appearances. Samantha’s campfire-roasted quail? Treat the club to a mini-wing fest. The brandy toddies steaming forth from Hugo’s thermos? Mix, pour, repeat. (Bring your laptop for those who want to drunk dial Goodreads!)
- Once at book club, stay at book club. You, the author, might offer to read your hosts a chapter each night or clean the bathroom. When the others have gone and the household is asleep, locate the post-it above the computer labeled “passwords.” Don’t be getting all ethical at this late date; take a lesson from both the Nigerians and the NSA. Three bumps out on their email contacts, and you, the author, will go viral, baby.
- Gain 100+ pounds and then lose them! Extra publicity for endorsing one simple rule that lets you enjoy the food you love and take off the weight.
- Find a cure for—oh, for heaven’s sake, do we have to do everything? You, the author, can do at least identify potentially curable diseases for yourself.
- Give 5,000 of your books away. This may sound counterintuitive, but once, for a single author, it worked.
- Stop saying, “I couldn’t get arrested!” Use that password cache you collected, though robbing a bank works, too. Depending on the magnitude of your caper, you may garner cable or even national coverage. Added value: Bus stops now feature security cam footage, a.k.a. free book trailer!